| Christine Meadows Monthly Column |
Final Column (www.christinemeadows.com)EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATIONI’ve been offering advice to parents for over twenty years now, and to readers of Parents-Online for the past year. During that time, I’ve helped numerous families to meet the challenges associated with raising a child, but as I shall explain, this will be my last column as in recent months my work to promote positive parenting has taken me in a very different direction. Instead of working with parents of young babies, I’ve been working with potential parents. Instead of adults, I’ve been talking to young people. In short, I’ve been back to school. I have to say that I’ve approached taking parenting education into schools with certain expectations in mind. I feel that young people should be encouraged to think beyond the idea that parenthood is just a series of practical challenges. A different approach is needed, one which would give young people a chance to consider the emotional and relationship issues involved in growing up and becoming a parent. I also feel that young people are capable of making informed choices about their future lives. All they need are the opportunities to be able to do so. Finally, I feel that there’s a real need to address the fact that women are still regarded as the primary focus of parenting, rather than as an equal partner in a parenting team. My verdict so far? Well, I’m pleased to say that my ‘back to school’ experiences have been been extremely positive. Working with young people in an education environment has been a rewarding experience. In particular, I’ve been in the privileged position of seeing at first hand that young people are both willing and able to consider parenting in a much more thoughtful way than perhaps their parents’ generation did. Through education, it is possible to help young people to consider their future life. In so doing, they have the opportunity to see parenthood as a real choice, something that can be taken seriously, in much the same way that you’d make a career decision. In larger terms, it’s about allowing young people to take control of their lives rather than just ‘waiting for something to happen’. Above all, I’m left with the clear message that it really is a case of ‘it’s never too early’ to encourage people to think about parenthood. Likewise, there’s never been a better time to consider your future than before you embark on that eventful journey into adulthood. Feel free to contact me with your thoughts at www.christinemeadows.com, and thank you for your comments over the past year. Au revoir! © Christine Meadows Summer Column (www.christinemeadows.com)KEEPING LIFE SIMPLE AND STRESS-FREE THIS SUMMERThe annual summer holiday is something that we all look forward to. It’s supposed to offer an opportunity to relax and spend some time together. Yet for many families, the reality doesn’t always live up to the dream. There’s no doubt that holidays can be stressful for both parents and children. No more so than at a time when many families are starting to feel the effects of the recession. This year, keeping your holiday a more simple affair may prove to be the best way to making sure that everyone enjoys themselves. There’s no doubt that holidays can be a difficult time for young children, whether you stay at home or travel abroad. They bring change and along with that change often come feelings of anxiety. Many families make the mistake of instantly forgetting all the routines that make up everyday life. I believe that children need to feel secure, particularly if they are away from the safety and comfort of their own home environment. During holiday time, the best way of providing such security is to maintain as regular a routine as possible. This means trying not to pack too many activities into your holiday schedule. Keeping normal meal and bed times as much as possible is also important. Both parents and children need an opportunity to rest - something that’s easy to forget when you’re making your holiday plans. Perhaps the greatest cause of stress on holiday arises from the fact that, for many parents, expectations tend to run very high. A hard-earned holiday in some far-flung, exotic destination should deliver on all fronts, shouldn’t it? Unfortunately, that’s not always the case, leading to its own concerns and worries. Holidays can also serve to heighten tensions that already exist in a relationship. It’s worth remembering that even young children can easily pick up on tension between parents. Cutting costs and holidaying closer to home are good ways to keep expectations a little more realistic. They don’t necessarily mean that a holiday will be any less enjoyable. In fact, it’s quite often the reverse. They may actually mean that you’re able to spend more time relaxing, and less time worrying, something that will help you and your children get the most out of your holiday this year. © Christine Meadows June Column (www.christinemeadows.com)NORTHERN LIGHTI spend some time in Sweden and it has been interesting for me to compare British and Swedish family policy. Sweden has a well-developed social welfare system, which makes it easier for parents to combine work and family. However the responsibility of rearing children is still that of the parents not of the state and the traditional family still thrives. Whether couples choose to marry or to enter into a partnership is a private decision, the state of marriage may have less importance placed on it, but registered cohabitation partnerships providing a very similar status has taken its place. Men and women are treated as individuals and have equal rights regardless of gender or marital status. Family policy is an important element of politics in Sweden, partly because it is intertwined with labour market policy. To participate in the labour market and to be able to support oneself is considered a basic right for all individuals. Maternity leave is called parental leave and either parent can opt to take the entitlement. Currently parental leave is 16 months, with 8 months intended for the mother and 8 months intended for the father. Out of these 2 months are designated for the mother and 2 months for the father. These months are forfeited if not taken by the designated parent. In reality, parental leave is utilized more by the mother than the father, the father's share is increasing, albeit slowly. In order to address the imbalance, a new reform was introduced in 2008, comprising of a gender equality bonus which will give an extra economic bonus to those who share the leave more equally. Without the involvement of the government the changes towards equality would take place much more slowly. As far as parental responsibility, men and women are seen to have shared responsibility for their economy and their children. Essentially this means that fathers should take a greater part of child responsibility by using more parental leave. This is related to childrens' rights in having access to both parents. It is also related to gender equality in that fathers' leave facilitates women's return to work. The parental leave policy is related to the goals of increased employment levels, gender equality and children's rights. The goal is for both parent to have an equally good relationship with their children as well as both having stimulating jobs at the same time as keeping stress levels under control. Statistically couples who live in an equal relationship with their partner separate or divorce less frequently than those who have an unequal relationship. The family structure in Sweden is still strong with 72% of all children under 18 living with both their parents. There is a prohibition against discrimination, which includes employers treating unfairly any employee or job applicant who is, has been or will be on parental leave. Sweden is a country with a relatively high degree of gender equality and individual economic independence, but life is not perfect, there is still some way to go! Christine Meadows ©June 2009 May Column (www.christinemeadows.com)LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAPA friend of mine decided to do a tandem skydive for charity recently. It’s not something that she took on lightly, spending months making sure that all would go well on the day. After all, who would dream of jumping out of a plane at 15,000 feet without some forward planning? As she described her experiences, it struck me that this is what many parents actually end up doing - ‘jumping’ into parenthood with hardly a thought as to the responsibilities and challenges that lie ahead. It’s the equivalent of not checking your parachute before you leave the plane. Like skydiving, becoming a parent can be an exhilarating experience. However, if you haven’t done your homework, it can also be a scary one. A skydive involves several months of effort on your part. Sponsorship may have to be raised. There are also the necessary mental preparations that will allow you to make such a huge leap of faith on the day. Then there’s the training which will make sure you’re in the best physical shape to cope with the jump. It’s your responsibility to do all these things. You know that by not doing them, your skydive could take a nasty turn. For those considering parenthood, it pays to be equally prepared. After all, the stakes are just as high. Instead of raising sponsorship and planning a safe landing, you’re investing in your child’s healthy future. You’re preparing to take them through the twists and turns of life so that they can emerge as a fully rounded and independent adult. In The Preparenting Programme, I encourage anyone interested in starting a family to find out what it really means to be a parent. That way, they can prepare themselves emotionally as well as practically for the choices, changes and challenges they must face. My skydiving friend also described how well supported she felt throughout her endeavour. By being tightly strapped to her instructor, she felt safe - from those initial moments when she was freefalling through the sky, to the point where she landed safely on terra firma. In the same way, The Preparenting Programme (www.preparenting.net) will guide and support you throughout your journey into parenthood, so that you’re ready for what lies ahead. It will reassure you when you have doubts. During your journey, you will gradually gain in confidence, until you feel secure in your parenting abilities and you’re able to take control as a fully fledged parent. Christine Meadows © May 2009April Column (www.christinemeadows.com)GOING BACK TO SCHOOLThese are clearly difficult times for Britain’s children. In February, a well-known children’s charity published a critical report about the state of the nation’s childhood. This was swiftly followed by yet another high profile case of teenage parenthood. So my recent visit to a local high school to launch my new Preparenting Programme for Young People couldn’t have happened at a better time. The Preparenting Programme for Young People works by teaching students to look at parenthood from a wider perspective than they’re currently used to. Over the course of three sessions, they’ll work with their teacher to address what I consider to be the three key areas of preparing for parenting: choices, changes and challenges. From preliminary discussions with the school in question, I can already see that teachers are optimistic about the project. It will give them an opportunity to discuss with their students a whole range of issues. It will allow students to air their own views on subjects that have previously not been considered as part of the whole parenting agenda. In particular, it will encourage them to consider the emotional issues which surround parenthood - not just the physical ‘nuts and bolts’ of having and raising a child. Above all, the project will help students to understand the internal and external pressures that they face as teenagers and, in so doing, help them to understand that they do indeed have control over their futures. They really can make informed choices. Likewise, the programme will help them come to terms with the idea that parenthood is a real responsibility, bringing not just financial and physical differences, but also social and mental changes. Finally, students will learn about the challenges that parents should expect to encounter during parenthood. Integral to the programme are wider themes that I don’t think can be dissociated from parenthood and growing up. These include the importance of relationships, of teamwork and the need to consider that other people matter just as much as they do. I’m well aware that preparing the ‘adults of tomorrow’ to meet the physical and emotional strains of parenthood is going to be quite a challenge. To help schools meet that challenge, I’d like to see the Preparenting Programme for Young People extended beyond my original pilot project. Rolled out to include more schools, we can make real changes to the society in which we live. Christine Meadows © April 2009 March Column (www.christinemeadows.com)NEVER TOO YOUNG TO LEARNWhen the government recently announced its scheme to reform sex education in Britain’s schools - including at primary level - there were signs that not all parents were happy. Did it need to change? Aren’t children too young to learn about this sort of thing? In my opinion, such controversy is a good thing. It makes people think about what they want for their children. It’s also encourages the children themselves to think about what they need to learn as part of the growing-up process. What many of the newspaper headlines failed to pick up on was the fact that under the scheme, children will be taught sex education not just as an isolated subject. Instead, as part of their personal, social and health education - PSHE for short - they’ll learn within a much wider context. I have long been a proponent of the idea that preparing to become a parent is something that should be planned well in advance. My recently launched Preparenting Programme encourages people to start thinking about what it means to become a parent before they actually do anything about trying to become one. But what about starting to think even earlier, when those parents-to-be are still at school? It makes a good deal of sense to put the building blocks for parenthood into place as early as possible. Preparing for parenthood, or preparenting, isn’t just about being physically prepared. Children also need to know how to meet the challenges of becoming parents on a much broader, more emotional level. That means starting with the basics, including how to create good relationships, develop a sense of teamwork, accept responsibilities, and build up a strong set of moral values. Discussions on subjects like these can form a valuable part of the school curriculum, even with younger age groups. Encouraging children to think about their emotional health and well-being has a number of benefits, all of which can help them to grow up to be better parents and better members of society. They can gain a deeper understanding of themselves, what sort of people they want to be, and what they want to achieve in life. They can also get a better sense of what they would like to be doing in 10 or 20 years time. Above all, a school education that incorporates such ‘life’ issues will give children the tools to develop a vision of themselves. And that means they’ll be prepared to make their own decisions in life and forge their own future. Christine Meadows © March 2009 February Column (www.christinemeadows.com)BELT-TIGHTENING FOR PARENTSIn recent years, a growing consumer culture has had an enormous influence on how parents raise their children. It's quite normal now for couples to celebrate the news that they're going to become parents with a visit to the shops. Buying a new buggy, a wardrobe full of baby clothes and new decorations for the nursery - these are the sort of acquisitions that we're encouraged to think of as essential to being a ‘perfect parent'. As children grow, shopping becomes a leisure activity for all the family. With the credit crunch, more and more parents are being forced to reconsider how they choose to live and raise their children. They're having to look at ways of cutting the cost of parenthood. There are lots of belt-tightening measures that parents can introduce. The majority involve very little money, just an input of effort, which, of course, costs nothing. Here are a few suggestions. *Don't rush out to buy the latest all-singing all-dancing toy. Instead, put together a box of art-and-craft materials. Some coloured pencils, paper and glue, together with items gathered from the recycling bin, are all that's needed for children and parents to create own homemade toys and pictures for themselves. Activities like these foster creativity and give you a chance to join in with the fun too. *Don't just buy pre-packaged foods for snacks and lunchboxes. Plan to set aside some time for making your own healthier and cheaper versions. Encourage children to watch or join in with your baking session. They'll certainly enjoy eating the results and will help them to have an interest in what they eat. *Don't waste petrol by using the car for every school run and short journey. Children may complain about having to walk to school at first, but will soon settle into the routine. To make it more interesting, talk about the things you see on the way. Remember to leave enough time to walk at a comfortable pace. *Don't think that your annual holiday has to involve an expensive flight. Taking a holiday a little closer to home this year - for example, your nearest seaside resort - will save on time and money. Ask most children what they'd like to do when they're on holiday and they'll tell you that they just want to mess around on the beach, building sandcastles. *Don't fall into the trap of feeling you have to give your children elaborate birthday parties with expensive party bags, and the hire of party venues and entertainers. Going back to basics can take the stress out of this annual drain on the family purse. A homemade party tea of sandwiches, at home, together with a few traditional party games, are all that's needed. *Don't overstretch your family budget by packing your diary with lots of ‘paid' children's activities. Think about where you can cut back on these and replace them with activities that cost little or nothing. Use the time that you free up to take your children to a nearby playground, or go for a walk or bicycle ride in the park. In the long term, I believe that a reduction in parental consumerism will have a favourable impact on society as a whole, with children growing up to be aware that not everything can be bought - that solutions don't come ready-packaged, off the shelf. Instead, they will come to understand that thought and effort are just as effective when it comes to facing life's challenges. © Christine Meadows,February 2009 Christine Meadows January Column (www.christinemeadows.com)WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARENT?The blogosphere really is a busy place, especially when it comes to debating the issues of parenting. The latest have been sparked off by a Dutch politician's moves to pass a bill which would force unfit mothers into two years of contraception. Whilst interfering with a woman's right to have a baby may seem a step too far, the story did raise some very good questions. Not least, it made me think long and hard about what really marks out someone as being a good parent and someone else as an unfit or bad parent. At one end of the scale, there's parental neglect - parenting at its worse - which should obviously be deplored. At the other end, there are parents who seem to get it absolutely right, all of the time. They are perfectly in tune with what is involved in raising a child. Everything seems so effortless for them, or at least that's what it seems like to parents who aren't perhaps finding life so easy. In between, there is unsatisfactory parenting - parenting that is neither good nor bad. Being a parent isn't always easy. However, I believe that there are several reasons why some parents appear to struggle whilst others do not. Loss of parental control is an important factor. For some parents, it can sometimes seem like their baby is more in control than they are. I believe that, from the moment your baby is born, he or she needs to know the limits of acceptable behaviour. It helps your baby feel safe and secure. An important first step to better parenting, then, is to set boundaries and keep to them. Being consistent is also a good way of raising a child in a more thoughtful way. After all, if you as a parent send out mixed messages about what you expect of your baby, how can you expect them to get it right? Taking responsibility for the way that you raise your child is another important step to becoming a good parent. Above all, though, the easiest route to better parenting is to make sure you're prepared. By this I don't just mean physically prepared. I mean mentally prepared for the choices, changes and challenges that lie ahead. Parenting is a journey and, like any long-haul trip you take, it pays to start planning as early as possible, even before the arrival of a child on the scene. Unsatisfactory parenting may not seem as serious as bad parenting, but the consequences can be just as far-reaching, both for your child and society. A more thoughtful approach to parenting can unlock potential benefits on both counts. Christine Meadows December Column (www.christinemeadows.com)HOW VALUES CAN HELP SHAPE YOUR FAMILY'S FUTUREI read a recent newspaper article written by Gordon Brown with interest. In it, he talked about the global economic challenges that currently face us and his ideas on how we can come through the downturn stronger, not weaker. I’m sure some of you are reading this and wondering what a speech about the credit crunch has to do with parenting. Well, in some respects, quite a lot. Some of the ideas in the article really struck a chord with me - not as they relate to the economic or political situation, as such, but to families. In a way, economic markets are rather like families. In the same way that the economy can seem out of control at times, family life can sometimes feel equally chaotic. Just as you may feel that the credit crunch has been caused by someone else, as a parent, you may feel that your family problems are not all your fault. Instead, they are the consequence of unseen forces beyond your control. Fundamental values, writes Mr Brown, are the mainstay of economic markets. They allow them to flourish during the good times and they bring people together when the going gets tough. Values such as fairness, stewardship, a sense of responsibility and cooperation don’t appear of their own accord, but have to be learned within families and communities. In the same way, I believe that values like these form the basis of a strong family. A positive set of values will guide your reactions and responses to the many situations and challenges that will arise on your parenting journey. They will act as a compass at times of change or when you’re sailing into the uncharted waters of parenthood. As parents, we all value different things. Whilst most people would agree that fairness and cooperation should be high on the list, as a parent you also need to talk together about the things which you consider to be important. Then you need to create a list that you both agree on. Values don’t just guide you as parents, they will also be there to guide your children in the way they behave with other people - and ultimately, in the way that your children will raise children of their own. I firmly believe that we can all play our own part in taking control. By holding and being true to your family values, you can also shape your own family’s life. What’s more, you can shape the future of the society in which we all live. Christine Meadows November Column (www.christinemeadows.com)WHEN LESS IS MOREAt a recent conference for headteachers of Britain’s top independent schools, its chairman, the Rev Tim Hastie-Smith, caused quite a stir. He told delegates that they had to help ‘challenge greed and selfishness’ and offer answers to ‘the passing fads of an X-Factor culture’. I have long expressed my concerns about a growing consumer culture in which people’s lives are devoted to the acquisition of possessions. As Above all, I believe that a rampant consumer culture tends to ‘spoon feed’ parents and children, making decisions on what we need and when. In so doing, it discourages a sense of individual responsibility. Such a lack of responsibility among parents can create huge problems within our society as a whole. When the Rev Hastie-Smith told the leaders of such establishments as Eton and Harrow that it was up to them to ‘shoulder responsibility for the future of society’, he implied that it was up to them to educate the parents of the future. But it is also the responsibility of the parents of today to encourage their children to grow up as independent people who care about the society in which we all live.
October Column (www.christinemeadows.com)GETTING THE BALANCE RIGHTAs a parent, life can often seem like a balancing act. There are so many conflicting demands on your time and attention, you can’t hope to satisfy them all. You can, however, at least try to achieve a balance between them. Most parents are aware of the importance of balancing time spent at work and time spent together as a family. More and more parents are also coming to understand the benefits of balancing their roles as partners and parents. After all, a strong relationship is a firm foundation for family life. But few parents may think to question the balance between their roles as mother or father. For all the changes that have occurred in society over the past fifty years, an imbalance between parental roles still exists in many families today. In most cases, the mother is still seen as the parent who is most involved with raising children. There is a tendency, I have noticed, for fathers to be made to feel rather isolated from the whole process of parenting. In my experience, many fathers would like to become more involved in raising their child. However, they are either not encouraged to do so, or in some cases, are actively discouraged. On the other hand, mothers who care full time for their children, may feel unsupported by a father who comes home feeling tired after a day at work. Both parents may end up feeling that they’re facing the challenge of being a parent on their own. I strongly believe that to achieve the right balance, both parents within a family have to work as equal partners. They have to work on the same team. This should be irrespective of who works full time and who has opted to stay at home. I find that a good starting point for balanced parenting is to make sure that ‘contact time’ is more equally balanced. This includes the time that either parent spends playing with their child, or caring for that child in a practical way. For truly balanced parenting, however, both parents really need to think beyond the idea that parental involvement is limited to ‘contact time’. They can do this by sitting down to discuss how they’re going to work together to take responsibility for every aspect of raising their child, and not just the everyday practicalities. By thinking carefully about their roles as parents, and by adopting a balanced approach to parenting, both partners can enjoy working together to raise their child in a supportive and thoughtful atmosphere. Christine Meadows |
prospective parents, we’re encouraged to prepare for the arrival of a baby not by thinking about what it means to be a parent, but by buying the items deemed necessary to create the perfect nursery. Consumer pressure doesn’t stop with the birth; it keeps pace with our growing children. There are new toys to acquire, as well as ‘must-have’ designer outfits and dream holidays. In short, shopping has become a major displacement activity, filling family leisure time and distracting parents from the reality of of life. It depletes parents’ time and energy - all of which could be better spent enjoying other family activities, such as a walk in the park or countryside, or playing together. Activities like these don’t come with a price tag and can help parents and children to really get to know each other.
